Oh, The Joys of a Premature Death!
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: Kyo dies and gets given to Akito as a fully functional birthday present. Yuki hits a deer and Tohru looks into why she can't close a god damn door. Everyone celebrates, when Kyo's on his death bed!


**A/N:**

**Tonight, Kawatta-nee-chan gave me a wicked idea. Yay her!**

**Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my kitten. (Kyo-chan, morons!)**

**Warnings: OOC! Idiocy!**

Kyo stumbled out of bed one Saturday morning. The sun was shining so bright in his eyes that he tripped down the stairs.

"Dammit!" He damned the stairs. He didn't like stairs much. They meant people could use interesting entrances. Unacceptable, in Kyo's eyes.

He stood up and frolicked towards the kitchen for some milk. He always frolicked when milk was involved, because it meant so much to him. So, the scene is set.

Enter Yuki. He's Kyo's stupid, rat cousin, who has a passion of kicking Kyo's poor little ass. Technically, it's Kyo's own fault, but we don't speak of that while Kyo's around. Anyway, Yuki often sleep walks, as seen in a few episodes of the anime and lots of the manga. But on this morning, he is wide awake. So, sets the complication.

"Kyo, can you please hand me the milk?"

Kyo turned around and stared at Yuki. He was… awake? What the hell! Kyo st-st-stuttered something unusual to his cousin.

"Y-Y-Your awake Y-uuuki?" Yuki nodded enthusiastically and thrust his arms around his fiery haired cousin in a big bear hug. I mean rat hug. Yay!

Then, Kyo died.

"Kyo! You're dead! Why! Why did I have to kill you? I always loved you more than Kagura!" Yuki cried, admitting truths to deaf ears.

Yuki had to dispose of the body before Tohru woke up. Then, Yuki snapped his fingers for he had an idea. A wicked thought. A devilish plan. An evil, despicable, terrible-

"GET ON WITH IT!"

Okay, okay.

"It's Akito's birthday soon… hmm! I'll give Kyo to her as a birthday present! Except I'll just say it's a life size replica. I wont give it to that bitch Dukoro-chan. She tortures me in her stories!"

Yuki said angrily, because he knew how much Dukoro-chan would love a life size, replica of Kyo Sohma. He picked up Kyo's limp body and shoved it in a garbage bag before taking the gruesome object to Sohma Estate.

Meanwhile, up in the sky, Kyo was discussing the events of the week with the Queen of England, his mother and Akito's Dad.

"I really like the shade of your dress, Mum!"

Mrs. Sohma didn't care much. Pink didn't exactly match her rotting, green flesh.

Anyway, Yuki knocked on Akito's front door. She opened.

"HELLO! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

Akito stared down at the garbage bag that Yuki was holding. She eyed it curiously and asked what it was, in a very deadpan-like tone.

"What is it?" Akito deadpanned.

"Open, open!" Yuki urged, thrusting the bag towards her. Akito, being as frail as Mr. Burns needed help opening the bag.

"Oh Yuki!" She exclaimed lovingly. "It's what I always wanted! A life size replica of Kyo Sohma!"

"Note to self: Kill Yuki in next story" came a mysterious voice from the sky. Yuki shuddered; he knew what that meant.

Anyway, Akito latched herself to her little boy toy and gave him a wet kiss. Yuki then explained that she couldn't tell anyone that she had a life size replica of Kyo Sohma with three fully functional morphs of transformation in her living room.

(I just made that my MSN screen name)

Akito agreed and went inside. Yuki sighed loudly and walked home with a big, fake smile. He didn't want Tohru to pick up with her magical senses that he had done something illegal and 6 years of jail time worthy.

"Where's Kyo?" Shigure asked, the moment Yuki walked in the front door. Yuki gave him a look which said "Go away, Shigure, or I will rip your balls off with a twig!". Oh wait. He actually said that. Sorry.

"Kyo is gone! We must find him!" Tohru chimed in.

"Haven't you ever heard of closing a god damn door?" Yuki asked Shigure, because he secretly didn't want Tohru to see him at all forever, because she would find out about the death of Kyo.

And so they conducted a search.

Meanwhile, up in the sky, Kyo was staring down at his cousins and Tohru with the 2nd president of the United States of America. I don't know his name, so I'll call him Bobby Jones.

"Well," Kyo said. "At least they're looking for me!"

"No one looked for me when I got murdered," Bobby Jones replied angstly. "They didn't find my body until yesterday. It was all rotten and icky."

Kyo stared. Bobby Jones laughed like a freak.

Yuki, Shigure and Tohru ran around the backyard of Shigure's house looking for Kyo but they couldn't find him anywhere. Tohru became frightened.

"Maybe he turned into a fuzzy slipper!" She hollered angrily. "That would suck!"

"Nah," Shigure said. "He's in the cookie tin!"

So off they ran to the cookie tin to see if he was in there, like he would fit or anything. Shigure was so happy everyone was listening to his plan! He fanced, like Kawatta-chan would. Yes people; FANCED.

While they were running, Yuki hit a deer! So he did a Homer Simpson impression.

"D'oh!" Yuki d'ohed.

"A deer!" Tohru screamed.

"A female deer!" Shigure chimed in.

Yuki wiped the blood from himself and opened the front door and raced to the cookie tin, with Shigure and Tohru on his little, ratty, tail.

"Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar!" He yelled, because the tin was empty.

"You're looking for Kyo, not cookies, Yuki!" Tohru cried out, wiping her eyes on a piece of Haru's hair she found on the deer Yuki hit.

Shigure and Tohru stood still for a very long time. So did Yuki. Then, it was the next day.

"IT'S AKITO'S BIRTHDAY OH MY GOD WE MUST FLOCK TO HER UGLY, BEDRIDDEN BODY!"

Everyone stared at Shigure. Even Shigure stared at himself. He went cross eyed! So they walked there, to Akito's house.

"Hi," She said. "I have a life size replica of Kyo Sohma with three fully functional morphs of transformation in my living room!"

Yuki slapped his fore head. Did Akito ever listen?

So they all went to have a look. It was so amazing, they had a party. No, they didn't party because it was Akito's birthday. They partied because of Kyo's fully functional, life size replica.

"Lets go find a new Kyo!" Akito said, because she didn't know that Kyo was dead and rotting away in her living room. "I know where!"

So they walked to Dukoro-chan's house, half way across the world.

"Hey, Dukoro-chan, where is your Kyo-chan?"

Dukoro-chan looked up from typing the latest chapter of her story and handed them her kitten. She instructed that they WILL be careful with her Kyo-chan otherwise Dr. Death will knock on each one of their doors. They agreed.

"THE NEW KYO!" Tohru hollered, stroking the cat lovingly. "I CAN HUG YOU WITHOUT YOU TRANSFORMING!"

And so the day was saved by a cat.

Meanwhile, up in the sky, Kyo was pissed off. He told this, to Kazuma's grandfather.

"I'm so pissed off right now. Yuki goes and kills me, then he replaces me with some mangey authoresses cat! By golly damn gosh. I'm pissed off! Graaah!"

"Oh, calm down, boy!" Kazuma's grandfather said. "Things could be worse!"

"Yeah? How!"

"They could have replaced you with a rat,"

**A/N:**

**Yay! **

**This story turned out so well! **

**I'm very proud of myself!**

**Thanks for reading.**


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